Navigating pre-teen years...
My daughter turned 12 years old this year and recently, she has been expressing her opinion a lot :-). I cannot imagine what she is going through emotionally… even if I were to try, when I was her age I was a boy and there was no internet and I know better, comparison blocks compassion. So what should we do?
Here is what I do:
Request for reflection: when I am trying to remind her (or son) of one of our values, I request a reflection of what I suggested. For example, different families are different and in this family, we share food, but we don’t share food that someone else has tried already (sharing germs, sorry if someone feels offended). I do understand this is my family value and I explained to her why it is important to me. And ultimately, it is her choice to live up to that value, in her best interest, when I am not looking. I have found that a reflection is the best way to move forward when we disagree on some things. As a parent, I recognize that my need is met when I hear from her that she heard my words.
Listen compassionately: when I am trying to teach her something and she receives it defensively, trying to explain her point of view, I need to slowdown and try to hear her intentions. I will request from her to do the reflection for me first (because I am the speaker) and I will promise her I will listen to her point of view after. Please keep in mind that it is different every time, so the point of this is to listen with every part of my body. For example, if she says she wants to let someone else lick her popsicle, I need to listen and understand if she wants to be nice, wants to be fair because she did something she regrets … I don’t know. I need to listen and get confirmation of her best intentions.
It has been four hours since my daughter arrived home from school after 5 days with her Mom, where things are different. Thus, I understand this is different for her to switch to different values. In four hours we had two conflicts but we were ok in less than five minutes after each incident and I feel hopeful for that.
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