Conflict is an opportunity to learn
When my child started getting in trouble at school I decided to reach out to the principal, the superintendent and anyone who I could. After many meetings with very little results (my perspective), I ran into this person who was responsible for changing the way kids are taught to behave in school. The phrase that caught my attention was what they were about to teach teachers & kids “You can only control yourself”. Fast forward to a random FB video I ran into yesterday, a Pre-K teacher calls on a child (~6 years old), and she asked him what happened and the child tries to explain the other kid hurt him. The teacher responds, “you can only control yourself”. I am over-simplifying what the video shows. In this moment, I recognized what the school representative meant.
Why am I worried about this? When child1 experiences hurt, or does the hurting (child2), it is important to help them process what happened and how they are interpreting information around them. Here is a list of possible messages the child receives when they hear “you can only control yourself”
It’s your fault that you are feeling this way.
How you are feeling is not important.
it is not ok to react that way.
Question: if this is the message the child-2 receives, does it teach the child2 to communicate better with the other child1? I don’t believe it does.
Alternatively, confirm the feelings of child2 first by asking:
What happened?
Are you angry or upset about that?
Are you hurt?
Then repeat with child1. Note that, you should inform to both children, they will both get their turn and they are not allowed to interrupt.
The focus of this exercise is to teach the kids to observe, not interpret others’ intentions. Conflict is an opportunity to learn.
